Sorry for the title and for such a strong words but there are some things I hate.
I hate being cold, wet while stuck outside.
I hate being wrong.
I hate not responding like I should.
I hate not praying like I should.
I hate rushing around and being late.
I hate wasting time.
I hate argueing with my husband.
I hate telling my daughters their father is leaving for a year.
I hate to see them cry.
and I really hate to see them cry and not be able to do anything about it.
* I have done all these things in the past 24 hours. I am drained emotionally, spiritually and physically.
But even though I endure or do things I hate, I can't help but to think there is Hope!
Hope for a future, hope for a new day, hope for new beginnings, new experiences, new joys.
There is Peace, peace that passes all understanding, peace that flows into you unexpectely.
There is Love. Love that is so great nothing will be consumed, us, our marriage, and our girls.
There is Faith. God's faithfulness. I am going to fail, I fail everyday but God doesn't. He is faithful, Great is his faithfulness!
19 I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall. 20 I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me. 21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
22 Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail. 23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness. 24 I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”
The feelings come over me like a flood. They may be triggered by a smell, a word or in this case a situation. David left for Drill on Friday night, no big deal....a few days just with the girls...some girl time!
But as the day wore on, the feelings, thoughts, fears and anxieties come over me...hindering me...overtaking me.
I don't want to do this again...
I want some relief...
It is too hard...
Will we make it...
This is what I have to look forward too...
I want to runaway...I want to hide...I want a safe place...I don't want to be alone
Then the Lord speaks to me...a soft voice telling me...reminding me...'remember the tents the girls made this morning...a place to go to rest, to hide, ...I am your hiding place...come to me Joanna...I will carry you...You are not alone...I will protect David, the girls and you...there will be deliverance.... Praise God!
Lord thank you for being my hiding place, my protection, my deliverer.
Bad dreams, how I hate you! You are evil and make it hard to sleep. You are not welcome here.
I just spent the better part of this evening consoling my little girl because of a bad dream. A dream so bad she would not even tell! A dream so bad she just cries and cries! A dream so bad she just wants it out of her mind. A dream so bad she just asks 'can we pray they go away'?
My heart melts! As her mother, I want nothing more than to dry her tears, to fix her problems, to make the pain go away, to make this bad dream disappear. I rack my mind thinking of what it could be. I beg her to tell me the dream to get it out of her mind. I assure her, it will not hurt me or her anymore. I hug her and tell her Mommies and Daddies make bad dreams go away. I wipe her tears, I speak good thoughts into her ear, I whisper I love you and it is okay. And yes we can pray!
We hold hands, close our eyes, bow our heads and pray.
I pray no more bad dreams, no more scary dreams, I ask my heavenly Father to fill her mind up with good thoughts, to take all the bad dreams away, they are not welcomed here. I ask God to give her thoughts of love, her family, her grandparents, her toys, the flowers she sees, the beautiful weather, her friends, crafts she loves to do.
We thank God for loving us and tell him we love him. We say amen, look up, and smile at each other.
The tears have stopped! Peace has come to us! The smile has come back! She is happy! She asks me to play with her! I ask her how do you feel, with her awesome smile she replies good and leans on me and says 'thank you'.
No, Thank you Lord! that you took her bad dream away, you filled her heart, her mind, her present with your love.
Thank You Lord that to a 6 year old girl, who is scared and doesn't know how to fix the problem knows to pray and that YOU will take care of her. And Thank You Lord from this 40ish girl who can't fix all her children's problems or her own but knows to pray and that YOU will take care of her and her children!
Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.
Psalm 55:22 Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.
Lord, I have heard of your fame, I stand in awe of your deeds..Habakkuk 3:2a
I am in Awe!
In awe of my God, my Lord and Savior!
I can see His hand so clearly before us. He was not surprised by this news of deployment. He knew all along.
He set in motion events to help us, He placed people in our lives to comfort us, to encourage us and to pray for us.
So tonight I am in awe of Him!
I am in awe of how God works in other peoples life to bless us...We were ingesting this news with all of it's questions and uncertainties when the phone rings. A friend, a godly man calls and tells us, for some reason David has been on his mind all day and he wanted to call and check on us. We tell him the news, and he is surprised by it also but God wasn't, He placed us in this man's thoughts and heart...to pray for us...to encourage us.
God knew we needed to hear that.
Upon hearing the news, I emailed a friend to simple pray for us. She did more than just pray, she responded to my email with encouragement and prayers. God knew I needed to see that, He also provided an opportunity to meet with her knowing I could use some time with godly friends to share and pray together.
I am in awe of events God orchestrates...That Wednesday, I had a get together with a godly lady at church...a meeting that was made 3 weeks earlier before we knew the news...but God knew...He knew weeks before what I would need that day and how I would need to spend that time being encouraged by these two friends...pouring out my heart, sharing my thoughts, fears and tears. He knew I needed to be prayed for and to be prayed with.
I am in awe of how God puts people in my life, new friends who I may not know in person...new friends who become such an encouragement , such a blessing to me...I befriended a lady on Facebook whom I don't know in person, but we share some same interests... I now consider her a friend...She too is going through a deployment. She too is a Christian...She too know what this life is like... God put her in my life knowing I would be going through this...He knew we needed to be friends.
So I am in awe of God and His people. His caring for us through friends who are praying for us, encouraging us and loving us.
And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. Ephesians 6:18
I have been thinking about something all day.
I have to help Hollyn decorate a cake...a Dr. Suess cake...
Now, she likes to watch those cake shows but I have news for her...I am not good at decorating cakes! This will not be one of those cakes.
I did prepare a little bit by baking the cake yesterday. So today we go decorate it and I realized I should have done a lot more preparing... I should have planned better, read more, practiced and made sure I had all the ingredients. Now her cake is good and sweet but we rushed getting it done and it shows. But by the end of the task Hollyn was very proud of her cake! and she should be...she did the best she could with what she has been given.
Now what I have been thinking about is preparing for this deployment.
I know there are going to be some sweet moments in this deployment and I need to be prepare for them. I need to start now and not wait until the last minute. I need to start in the Word! I need to read, to pray, to worship, to do, and to be still and know! Be still and know that I am God; Psalm 46;10a