Sunday, January 1, 2012

New Year Part 1

I am so glad to say good-bye to 2011 for many reasons.

The obvious is this deployment!

It has taken it's toil on me spiritually, mentally, emotionally and  physically. It is nothing like what we imagined or prepared for. Somethings with the deployment are better than the first deployment and somethings are worse!

Spiritually, I feel lost. I pick up my bible and don't know where to start, what to read, what to pray! I feel like I have lost my way.

Mentally, I think about everything, I believe most people who go through a deployment are never able to turn off their minds, but it is exhausting to say the least. In my mind, I always have to be prepared for anything and everything. What to do if I get sick, if the girls get sick, do we have bread, milk, clean clothes, have I paid the bills, if David will call today, maybe we can Skype, Christmas without him, birthday without him, need to get to work on time, drive David's car so the battery doesn't die, get the van serviced, etc. It never stops!

Emotionally, I have never felt so alone, forgotten or disappointed by others. I am truly sadden by the lack of care or concern from my church family for my husband, the girls and myself especially during the holidays. I have cried many tears over this. It truely has broken my heart.  I feel we are slipping through the cracks in our class and no one is noticing. I feel I don't have that true group of friends who would notice. Is it 'out of sight, out of mind'? I don't know...maybe this is not entirely their fault, maybe if I was more vocal of my needs, or prayer requests, made more of an effort or if I blogged more, maybe things would have be different... 

Another part of this struggle I have is lack of time to nourish relationships the way I would like to. I am praying God will change that in me and for me. I know it will take time. But once you get hurt like this, you build up a wall. I am praying God will break this wall down that I have built in my heart.

Dealing with a death over the holidays is always hard. We lost a beloved grandparent very suddenly over Thanksgiving. It has left a huge whole in our hearts especially the girls. They had some much 'missing' over the holidays, missing Daddy, missing Pap Dale and missing friends ( several friends moved away right before Christmas and they knew the friend would not be back after Christmas break).

Physically I am drained. The last deployment, I developed a stomach ulcer. It has reared it's ugly symptoms again. I hate it. With working full time hours, taking care of the girls, and extra activities, I usually don't have time for myself. I know I should and maybe even can change some things but at this moment it is hard. It is hard to find the time to get 8 hours of sleep, exercise or even find time for a daily quiet time. But I resolve to change that.

So I am saying good-bye to 2011.

I believe with all my heart, this is not how God wants me to be. He doesn't want me to be stressed to the max, overcome with sadness, drained physically, mentally, emotionally, and definitely not spiritually.
He wants me to be filled with His strength, His peace, His love and His presense!
He wants me to be filled with HIM!

Ephesians 3:14-19
For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

to be continued in 2012....


Jessica said...

This post breaks my heart for you...
Oh how I can identify so much with what you have posted. Seriousy, I was reading this and shaking my head in agreement with nearly everything you wrote.

Please know that I will be praying for you.

Jen Johnson said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way Joanna. I understand what you're going through. Other people would say that they understand but they don't. But know that you are not alone. Myself and a lot of the wives in our unit are too. So, know that if you need someone to talk to or just an ear to listen too. I am here and I'm sure I speak for the other wives as well. We are "almost" there. Thank God that this time apart from our husbands are just temporary. Take care.

Venette said...

I am so sorry 2011 was a hard year for you. Please know that you are truly loved by your church family! You are a blessing to us. One of the things I remember most from Pastor Sam's sermon on Sunday was to count our blessings instead of our burdens. Choosing joy is not easy- I know this first hand; but we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us! We want to help you choose joy in 2012. We plan to help, but ultimately the choice is yours.
love you and David and girls

Jennifer ~ wife of a Navy man since 1995 *_* said...

I'll be praying for you, too, Joanna, for God's strength and JOY and victory during this time. I've been through all these things and will be going through them again, my husband being deployed again very soon. I waited a long time for Mr. Wonderful, but he was and is worth waiting for! Meanwhile, my heavenly Bridegroom has some things for me to do.... Praying you will find friends who can help you find real JOY and PEACE during this time of trial. (((HUGS)))